Surrender Your Sensations

“Meredith?”

Rupert is falling for me?

A bitter smile spread on my lips. “Impossible.” I exasperatedly sighed. Then, I refilled my glass of iced tea and drank it. “There’s Ava,” I finally said, ruining their nonsense conclusions.

“Who the heck is that Ava?!” Minzy slammed the table with her fist.

“Hey girl! The table might break! Oh gosh! You’re no one but a broke college student! Get a grip of yourself!” Cherry went back to Minzy’s side to calm her down. The alcohol was really making her lose her mind. Then she turned to me. “Who is Ava? Why is she in the picture?”

I felt a pang of pain in my chest. Why is there an Ava? She’s not here but she was still part of the picture.

“Ava is dead. But she’s Rupert’s first love and he’s not yet over her,” I said, running my hand through my hair out of frustration. I just realized I didn’t want to talk about her. I was feeling angry for no reason.

“F-First love? Bullshit,” Minzy hissed, “No one ends up with their first love, Meredith. Technically … Rupert is yours.”

“This drunk woman is right, whose sentence construction is still straight. Ava is dead. Sooner or later,” Cherry took a sip of her beer before giving me a thumbs up, “Rupert will forget her.”

“He was having nightmares about her. That’s how much he still misses her even though she’s been dead for a year now.”

That’s right. Rupert loves Ava. It’s so wrong for me to cross the line when he was not willing to cross the line for me.

Seriously, what is happening to me? Why am I waiting like this? Why do I care so much about him? Why am I feeling envious of Ava for meeting Rupert first?

“He can still miss Ava now but is that going to be the same thing after two years? After three or four years?”

I stared at Cherry because of what she said. “What do you mean?”

“Time is the only truth teller,” Minzy groaned, concluding what Cherry had said.

“Minzy was right. Ava’s memories will fade because she’s dead already. When we die, all of us are meant to be forgotten. Even the person who loves us the most will forget us once we leave this world.”

Will Rupert forget Ava?

“That’s how death works, Meredith. That’s how human life works too.”

I never had a serious talk with Cherry. But come to think of it, I was surprised to hear such wisdom from her. I guess she was just being funny because she knew exactly when to not be sad and when was the perfect timing to let it all out.

The three of us ended up talking and talking and talking. It was fun, painful and refreshing all at the same time. It was nice to know their stories … Especially those moments when I didn’t see them because of my treatments. They had been through a lot in their four years of staying in college. And I was the proudest friend because they were about to finish another stage of their lives, college.

It was nine PM when all of us decided to go home- Scratch that. It was just me and Cherry who decided because Minzy was knocked out. Cherry volunteered to take Minzy to her dorm and I assured her that I could go home on my own because I didn’t drink. She didn’t want to agree at first but I insisted and she had no choice. As much as she wanted us to go home together, my dorm was out of the way.

“See you tomorrow, Madam Meredith! Be careful!” Cherry waved at me. Her voice was a bit slurry, indicating she was also drunk. But good thing for her she’s a heavy drinker. So that’s it, she would take care of Minzy, instead.

“Be careful you two! Don’t forget to text me once you guys are home!”

When Cherry and Minzy left the bar, I was left on our table alone. I took a bottle of beer. It had a little more alcohol so I poured it into my glass. I smelled the beer and immediately frowned. It’s been a long while since the last time I drank.

I breathed deeply before taking the glass of the beer to my mouth and took a sip. My face wrinkled more at the bitter taste of the beer. “You shouldn’t be drinking, Meredith,” I said to myself as I stared at the glass of beer I was holding.

After a few seconds of thinking, I decided to drink all of the alcohol in my glass. The bitter taste of the alcohol burned my throat. It was a bit painful but after a while it became tolerable. I heaved a deep sigh.

I bit my bottom lip before I raised my hand to ask for the waiter. “I would like to order another bottle of beer.”

I’m really crazy.

The waiter listed down my order. “Is that all, Ma’am?”

I swallowed before taking a deep breath. Whatever. I … I’m tired of sticking to my do’s and don’ts. For what else if only I would get sick again?

“Make it two-” I shook my head and then raised my three fingers, “make it three bottles of beer.”Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

When the waiter left, I took my phone from my bag. My brows frowned when there’s three missed calls and two text messages, all from Rupert.

I heaved a deep sigh. I read his messages, “Where are you? Are you going home?” Here he was again, acting more than what was expected from him as my sexual partner.

He’s really confusing me.

I typed a reply for him. “I’m drinking,” I murmured the message I was typing for Rupert, “I am hoping you can fetch me…”

I hesitated to send it to him for a few seconds before my risky and impulsive self took over and hit the send button.

Something inside me was telling me to do all the things I want to do- now that I still have time.

Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I’ll run out of time.

After texting Rupert, I trashed my phone back in my bag and then turned my gaze on the three bottles of beers that I ordered.

I gulped.

I was feeling guilty and excited at the same time. When was the last time I had a taste of beer? Ah, probably two days before my biopsy results came out and it turned out that the tumor in my breast was malignant.

Would my cancer come back?

I heaved a deep sigh and gave myself a tap on my right shoulder to comfort the guilt I was feeling. I want to forget everything now. I wanted to live normally. The kind of life where I could enjoy the bad things the same way I was enjoying the good things.

I smiled before taking the first bottle of beer. I chugged the bitter liquid down to my dry throat. The liquor wet my throat and the bitter taste became sweet as I consumed an increasing amount of it. “This is life,” I murmured, after drinking half of the beer.

I looked around the place- it was now crowded and loud. Earlier, when we arrived, there were only a few people. Now, people were having the blast of their lives; dancing and screaming to the roaring music. Everyone was actually doing all the craziest things a person could ever do in their lives.

I smiled before drinking the rest of my first opened beer. After finishing the first bottle, I burped- loud enough for passersby to look at me.

I stared for a moment at the empty bottle I was holding. Did I really drink this liquor even though I was not allowed?

“HAHAHAAHAHAHA!” I burst out in laughter, realizing the shit that I just did.

I’m really killing myself.

But right now, I just don’t care anymore. It’s tiring to fight something that is inevitable to happen.

Heaving a deep sigh, I went to my second bottle of beer. Tapping my right foot according to the fast beat of music, I screamed and danced at my table while holding the bottle of beer up in the sky.

“AHHHHHH! I’M DYING!” No one heard me, I guess. Because everyone kept doing what they were doing.

I left my seat and went straight to the crowd. I danced like there was no tomorrow and shouted everything – everything I wanted to say.

“AHHHHHH!” I shouted a bit louder and the music became even louder than my voice. “This feels good,” I whispered after having the last drop of my beer.

This was the life I chose not to have with the hope that I could free myself from the curse of cancer. But I seem to be hoping for nothing. I just wasted the two years I gave up the things I enjoyed doing because they wouldn’t be good for my therapy or my health.

“This is frustrating.” I sighed, giving the empty bottle to the man who was grinding his hips behind me. I forced a smile on him before staggering back to my desk.

I sat down on the sofa and held my head. I seemed to have been free from alcohol for too long – my body didn’t have the same tolerance anymore.

“Down to my last bottle of beer. Good job, Meredith Kaye.” I giggled before giving myself a pat on my head. I could feel my cheeks burning because of the alcohol’s effect. My voice sounded slurred too and my head was starting to pound.

I was on the third bottle of beer I had ordered when suddenly someone stopped my hand from pouring it. I huffed a frustrated sigh before getting off from that hold. “Let go,” I said, without even bothering to look at the jerk who was trying to stop me.

“I said let me go!” I struggled harder but was immediately taken aback when the man introduced himself. I gasped when the shiny metal on his face was stricken by the lights of the bar. “R-Rupert?”

He didn’t say a word but he leaned closer to show me his face. Then, he pulled me to stand up. I almost fell over because of my aching head and moving sight due to the liquor I consumed.

“Let’s go.” He then forcibly removed the bottle from my grasp.

“Rupert!”

He got my bag and then paid for what I ordered.

“Let me go! Damn! I said let go!”

He didn’t seem to hear me and he just kept pulling me to wherever we were going. I was literally putting all my remaining energy to get off of his hold but he did not let go.

“Rupert!”

“Shut up, Meredith,” his voice sounded stern and his hold around my right wrist tightened. “Are you crazy already? Why the hell are you drinking!” he even sermonized me as he pulled me to the back door of the bar.

My head hurt even more because of the liquor’s effect and his sermon. “It’s my life! I can do what I want!” I retaliated, before kicking the back of his knee.

“Meredith!” Rupert recovered quickly and caught my waist immediately. This time, he carried me, both of his arms were around my waist and my feet were about one and half inch above the ground. “Don’t waste my patience!”

“Let go! Let me go! I said put me down! I don’t want to go!” Obviously, my stubbornness was powered now by my alcohol intake. Was I drunk? Oh, I was still aware of what was happening but I do feel how burning my cheeks were. “Rupert! Argh!”

“Shut up!”

We got out of the back door and that’s where he finally put me down. I immediately confronted him to scold him for what he did but I was surprised when he suddenly pulled my arm again. My mind started spinning as Rupert and I ran to damn nowhere.

“Let go! I said you fucking let me go!”

Rupert did not answer. He just kept dragging me until we reached a building. It was a building with a rustic color of brown and white. My forehead frowned when Rupert pulled me inside. The silence and some ruined portion of the walls, door, and windows told me that the building was an abandoned one.

He opened the lights and that shocked me. It looked abandoned but there was electricity.

But what caught my attention more were some of the furniture inside the building. The building had two floors and even though the furniture were dusty, they could still be used when cleaned.

“Are you crazy already?” Then Rupert let go of me and closed the door of the building. That’s when I realized that this was not a commercial building- but a house- an abandoned and dirty house.

“I’m not done drinking yet,” I said, rolling my eyes at him. I noticed the tension on how he was clenching his jaw but I did not have the time to actually entertain his grumpiness. “Why do you need to ruin my night? I was having a blast, Rupert. You’re such a party-pooper,” I blurted out, massaging my temple.

“You’re drinking your meds, Meredith! Aren’t you? Then what? I caught you drinking in that goddamn bar!” He took heavy steps towards me and I gasped when he pushed me to the closed front door. “Just what the fuck are you thinking?”

“Why are you making a big deal about this? It’s my body. It’s my health.” I tried to push him to extend the distance between our faces but he did not budge. Instead, he put both of his hands against the door, on both of my sides, trapping me against the hardwood. I sighed frustratedly. “And don’t you dare use curse words at me again.” Then I squatted and went under his extended arm to get out of his entrapment of me.

“Are you killing yourself? Do you want to die?”

I was stunned by what he said. I looked at him violently as my fists clenched on either side of my body. He was standing a foot or two away from me. I could not see his facial expression clearly but I bet he could see mine- he could see my red cheeks, frowning brows, and tearful eyes.

“You don’t care about that anymore. If I die- Scratch that.” I chuckled as I let tears finally flow to my cheeks. Maybe it was because of the effect of the alcohol or maybe I was just in pain and I was hopeless. “If I want to die, you’re out of this, Rupert. We’re just here to fuck each other and enjoy each other’s company. If I die, please don’t make a big fuss about it. And if I want to die, you are in no place to stop me. “