The Soldier Next Door

Fear has broken me into tiny uncountable pieces, shattered me like the worst ever disaster, ruined me in the cruelest way, and killed my soul brutally like there is no tomorrow. I fear to love, I want to love but I fear to be loved, to be accepted for who I am.

Love is supposed to accept all but does it truly accept all thing that is broken Ana wanted me in all the ways I want her to have me, I wanted to feel a woman, touch a woman and be with a woman the way that a man should be but I could not.

She might be what I want but I am not what she needs.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

I have just woken up from that never-ending dream that torments my sleep every night. My phone has been buzzing, as I reach on over to look, I can see it is Ana.

“Is it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me why you left.”

Just as I am about to put my phone down, it lights up again. It is Ana.

“Come on soldier, you are killing me. What is going on?”

I put my phone back down without replying to her. How do I even explain to her how I feel, I am crazy for her, she gives me those butterflies that flutter in your stomach, she makes me finish my sentences the wrong way around, she is like a breath of fresh air after the rain. But I can’t have her, so why should I tell her how I feel.

I decide to get my ass out of bed and have a shower. Just as I get up to go to the bathroom, there is a knock from my mother on the door.”

“Ethan. Ethan are you awake?”

She does not wait for me to answer before she comes into my room. I am standing in my boxers, on my one leg leaning against the wall, watching the entire moment unravel.

“OH GOD ETHAN NO WHAT HAPPENED?”

She runs towards me and grabs me by my shoulders, tears are streaming down her face. I can hear her voice tremble as she tries to speak. Her body shakes as tears continue to roll down her cheeks.

“Ethan, what happened?”

I just stand there leaning against the wall, my fears are starting to come to surface. I can see the look in my own mother’s eyes as she is staring at my amputated leg.

“God Ethan please answer me. What happened?”

“I do not answer her, I don’t know what to say, nothing I will say to her will make this better for either one of us.

“Ethan please talk to me?”

I take a deep breath and hop my way back to bed. I can see the horror in her eyes as she watches me. This is my mother, if she acts like this, how will Ana take it.

Finally, I speak.

“We went out on a routine patrol when we came under attack from a group of militia that moved into town the previous night. We could not fall back so we had to go through town. The road we went down was not swept for mines yet. Our patrol vehicle hit a mine, it messed up the front pretty bad and my leg got crushed between the seat and front panel.”

I watch her before she speaks.

“But could they not… could they not save your leg?”

“No mom, it was pretty messed up as well.”

“But why… why did you not tell us?”

“Because I knew how you were going to act and what dad was going to say.”

“When did it happen?”

“My last deployment, three months ago.”

I watch as she crumbles to pieces, she grabs me in her arms and hugs me like there is not shit for tomorrow. She cries, no not cry, she whales, it is the worst sound I have heard in months, I thought a soldier that is close to dying sounded bad, it is nothing close compared to my mother’s crying.

“We must tell your dad.”

“Not now mom, I am not ready. You know what he is going to say.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know mom that is why I am here, so I can figure things out.”

“But can’t you go back to the core, get like a desk job or something?”

“If I can’t do what I love then I don’t want to do it.”

“Oh Ethan, I am so sorry.”

We sit there for another few minutes and talk, after she leaves, I make sure to lock the door before I head to the shower.

As I hop out to dry and get dressed, my phone buzzes again. It is Ana.

“Seriously are you going to be that type of man? You don’t kiss a girl like that and then go all dead on me.”

I so want to reply to her but I just can’t, I know that the longer I spend time with her, the more I am going to fall and I am going to fall hard for her. And soon I am going to want her in ways which I can’t, not that I can’t perform, cause, believe me, I can, I can’t let her see me like this.

I spend another hour in my room before I finally make my way out to the kitchen to grab some much-needed coffee. My dad and Matt are bickering as per usual.

“I am telling you, Matt, you won’t go wrong if you go into medicine.”

“And I am telling you dad that it is not going to happen.”

“Well, what do you intend on doing with your life?”

“Dad it is my life, I will decide what I want to do with it when I am ready.”

I think it is time for me to step in for I can see Matt getting frustrated.

“It feels like I heard this conversation yesterday already.”

“It is because he has this conversation every day. Wait until he starts with you.”

“Well dad will be getting the same answer from me and no I am not going into medicine. The closest I am getting to medicine is the painkillers that I will be taking for this damn headache I have had all morning.”

My mom offers to go get me something from our medicine cabinet.

“Wait let me go grab something for you Ethan”

She knows that I am referring to my leg. It is bruised up bad from all the walking of the past two days.

“I get the painkillers from her with a cup of coffee and head into the lounge where Matt is now sitting and watching some crime series. This is so going to grind my father’s ass, his two useless sons sitting and vegetating in front of the television.

My phone buzzes again. It is Ana.

“Okay soldier if you ain’t coming to me then I am coming to you.”

Well, that made no sense at all, that is at least what I think until someone is buzzing at the front door.

“Don’t everybody get up all at once,” Matt says as he gets up. “I will do ya all a favor and grab it.”

I only but laugh at him “Look at Matty boy being so all considerate.”

“If it is a hot chick then Matty boy keeps her.”

“I think you have run out of girls to keep.”

“Ya ya we will see, there is always a new girl in town.”

Sometimes I do wonder about the boy, I mean, we can’t be any more different than an apple and an orange. Who is the apple and who is the orange is left to be seen?

I hear him hollering some shit from the front door but I do not pay much attention.

“Are you deaf?” He slaps me against the head.

“Are you stupid?” I slap him in return.

“You not supposed to slap me back.”

“You not supposed to slap me in the first place. Who was at the door?”

“Your girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Yes you do, the girl that you were snogging at the coffee shop yesterday.”

“How do you know… oh yes I forget, old Maggie? So who was really at the door?”

“Me soldier”

My jaw drops to the floor and every moving muscle goes stiff.

“Ana.”

“Yes, that is me, well when I checked this morning it was.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Coming to check why my soldier has gone AWOL.”

“Keep those paws to yourself bro,” I warn him playfully even though every bone in my body means it.

“I got a girl but if you don’t want this one I can always make a plan.”

“There is a bit smile that appears on Ana’s face. “Let’s guess he is one of those guys spanking girls in my house.”

“Hahaha, you dead right there.”

“Says him, I can tell you quite a few stories about this boy.” Matt starts off as he is ready to begin.

“Stories you will keep to yourself if you don’t want your face broken.”

“Why don’t you go grab me some coffee soldier,” Ana says. “Matty can tell me all about them.”

“Taking charge again I see. Grab a chair, I will be back in a second.”

Now I have a stupid damn ass smile on my face. Why did she have to come show up here all good looking like that, the woman has got my blood boiling now. The minute Matt disappears I am so all over her.

I get her a cup from the fresh pot of coffee, check my hair in the reflection of the oven, and make my way back to the lounge. Her clever ass made sure to sit on the seat right next to me, fuck I just hope she does not try and touch me.

“So is this what you boys do all day?”

“This and argue with our father.” Matt jokingly says.

“You argue, I just listen,” I add.

Then completely of topic, Ana turns to me. “Maybe I should have phoned you then cause there sure as hell is something wrong with your fingers.”

“Maybe I was busy.”

“Matt!”

“What? I don’t know which hand you type with? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“You better start running because I am going to smack your wise ass.”

“Now that you remind me, I need to get running, Elle is waiting for me. You two love birds can be alone.”

Before I can even try and stop him, he is out the front door leaving me and Isabelle alone.

What do I do now, I mean I know what I want to do but I know she is going to want an explanation for what happened yesterday. So what do I do, the best thing a soldier can do, create a diversion?