The Love That Passed

Jared’s POV

“She’s still not in good condition. I didn’t want to give you false hope and I want you to be ready for anything, anytime.” Dr. Gerard said,” I was shocked when I saw Colleen looking at me. She wasn’t sad or mad or angry. Even if she couldn’t smile because of the tube that was in her mouth, I could still see that she was because of her eyes. She must have been listening to me and baby Corrine, that’s why.

“But, she’s already awake, can’t we do the surgery already?” I asked.

“She’s already weak and her body will not be able to make it.” Dr. Gerard answered, “She wakes up, yes. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s fine. The surgery will take a toll on her body and it may shorten her life. There’s a possibility that she may, you know, be on the operating table,” he added. I felt so helpless and looked at Colleen who was now sleeping.

When I saw her eyes open, I called Dr. Gerard immediately and, thankfully, Mommy Lucy came back so I handed her over, our daughter. She was very happy when she looked at Colleen and found her looking at us. She took the baby and took her back to the nursery and came back to the room afterwards.

I knew that she was about to go home after she bought the medicine but because Colleen woke up, she decided to stay and ask Diane to get the medicine instead and give it to her father.

We never left the hospital anymore and no matter how much I told her to go home and rest, she didn’t want to. Dr. Gerard left us and will be coming back from time to time to check on Colleen.

“Jared, I know that it is getting hard for you.” Mommy Lucy said, full of sadness in her eyes. I know that she was feeling pity towards me, but she knew that I didn’t want anyone to feel that way for me as well.

“After knowing what awaits my daughter when she wakes up, I wish that she may not as might. At least when she was like that, I can still see her and talk to her.” She continued,

“Now that her life is at stake as she opens her eyes, I feel scared that she’s going to leave us for good.” She added. Her tears run down her cheeks and so am I. Because deep inside, I know what she means.

I looked at my wife and saw her sleeping soundly. Her face was pale but I still saw a hint of happiness on her lips. She was indeed happy and was trying to smile even though she was having a hard time with the tube in her mouth.

“Mommy Lucy,” I said as I looked at her. “Colleen might leave me and us and it pains me, really. Knowing I knew that it was coming and yet, I couldn’t do anything about it is the most painful and the hardest part. But I didn’t want to send her off with a face full of sorrow. As much as possible, I didn’t want her to see me to the extent that she couldn’t come in peace and still worry about me and our baby. The only thing that I wanted her to see in the remaining days of her life was how much I loved her. And that I am going to take care of our dear daughter.”

“Thank you so much for loving her. For taking care of her and for giving her happiness.” She replied, still crying.

She didn’t go home and so was I. Maybe she was feeling that my wife was really leaving us any time soon.

In the morning, I asked the nurse to bring baby Corrine so Colleen would be able to see her. I am going to give them time to be together.

In the past few days, that’s been our usual routine. When mommy Lucy came in the afternoon, I went to the chapel located on the first floor of the hospital to pray.Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

I saw different people but praying the same thing, and that is to make our loved ones better. Here, no one prays for other things like money, jobs or relationships. Just like me, I only pray for Colleen’s life. To extend or and give her a little more time to be with me and our daughter and nothing else.

Here, I can cry freely without worrying that my wife will see me. I begged Him to give Colleen a peaceful departure.

As much as I wanted to blame Him for taking my wife this early, my guilt stops me from doing so. I had a chance to help her extend her life but I didn’t.

Everyday I do this, and everyday my heart feels heavier and heavier. Colleen was still the same, the only difference was that she opened her eyes.

“Jared, it has been two weeks since she woke up but nothing has changed about her condition.” Dr. Gerard said, “If ever you had to be prepared,” he added sadly. I looked down because my eyes started to water. Then I looked at my wife and found her looking at me as well.

She motioned for me to come and so I did and held her hand. She pinched mine and I gave her a smile. She’s not letting my hand go, as though she was trying to tell me something.

“What is it my wife?” I asked, “Is there anything you need?” I added and she pinched my hand again.

Dr. Gerard approached us and asked, “Do you want to see Baby Corrine?” And her head nodded slightly as her eyes smiled.

Mommy Lucy, who was watching us, went out of the room immediately and came in no time with our daughter. She handed her to me and let Colleen hold her hand.

I saw how she rubbed baby Corrine’s hand with her thumb and then her tears fell. Seeing her like that breaks my heart and I couldn’t help but cry as well.

Then we heard a fast beeping of the machine that was attached to her. I got worried and looked at Dr. Gerard, as Mommy Lucy, took baby Corrine from my hand.

“My wife,” I called her, and she was still looking at me. She was holding my hand so tight that my heart clenched, seeing how she tried not to show me her fear. I started crying and calling her name as the memories of her flashed through my mind.

Her smile as I watched her at the poolside talking with Betty and Lory.

The happiness on her face when we are gathered together.

Her sadness when I didn’t lend her the money for her surgery. Her reaction when I went to see her because I thought she hurt Stacey.

I started to remember how good she was with everyone.

Her face whenever she tells me how much she loves me.

I saw Dr. Gerard, along with the others whom I didn’t bother to look at, were trying to revive her.

I didn’t notice the long sound with flat lines on the machine monitor that I only heard and saw in the movie. I was just standing there trying to get to her as the nurses were trying to stop me so the doctors and everyone else could do their job.

Mommy Lucy, who was holding baby Corrine, was in the corner and they were both crying.

I want to throw everything, shout and yell at God because I know that He is going to get my wife away from me and our daughter for good. He never gives us a chance to talk, so I could ask her to forgive me. So I could tell her that she has nothing to worry about. But even if it was like that, I want to ask her how I was going to live without her?

“Colleen…..” I called her name as tears rolled down my face, ignoring all the looks that everyone was giving her. I was hurt and in pain. The sorrow that was filling up my heart had started to take over me as well. Just as I thought I was in deep agony, I saw a tear fall from her eyes. She was hurt too, so I couldn’t say anything. Then there’s nothing. I guess my dream about her leaving after she told me what she wanted me to do was our last conversation.

*** 5 years later ***

Colleen left me and our daughter and now, I still blame myself for what happened to her. The memory of me refusing her request was like a broken player that continued playing in my mind, which made me not forgive myself.

I punished myself by working harder than before and got home only when I was already tired and Ingrid would constantly scold me because she thought that I was not giving Corrine my time.

She would always remind me how I promised Colleen that I was not going to do everything that I was doing now. Because of that, I will start to feel guilty again thinking I couldn’t keep my promise and cry.

All this time that she left me, I was always in pain and feeling hurt. I wanted to hug my daughter every time I came home from work, but they looked exactly like each other and I couldn’t help but remember her through Corrine. All these years, I saw how our baby started to feel aloof with me around me. There were times when I yelled at her and that hurt me too.

Colleen would be very disappointed if she knew about this and, thankfully, I was back on myself and remembered all the promises I made to her. I am now in my study room, leaning back. I was looking at Colleen’s photo. I sighed deeply and smiled. “I’m sorry my wife, for being such an idiot all these years after you left. From today onwards, I am going to look after our baby princess the way you wanted.”

Then I heard a knock on the door and saw our baby princess peeking at her head, hesitantly. I smiled at her and said, “Come in, princess.” a smile appeared on her face and maybe Colleen was helping me to get through this because I saw her face on our daughter. The way it lights up and shines bright like a sunrise.

Corrine ran to me and I welcomed her with my arms wide open. Engulf her in my embrace and I heard her say, crying, “I missed you daddy,”

“I know, princess. I know.” I replied and hugged her tightly, wanting her to know that I was ready to move forward for her, for me and for her mom whom I know, deep in my heart, was watching us. I closed my eyes and said, “We’re going to start over, my princess.” I looked forward to a happy father and daughter, and a bright future. Just what Colleen, her mom, wanted.