The Weight of Loss
As she watched Ivory’s casket being laid in the ground, Ellie’s heart ached. She felt as if her heart was being torn apart. She stood motionless, with her big budged eyes, which was as a result of crying. Her eyes were fixed on her casket and when she realized she wouldn’t ever set her eyes on her beloved daughter again, tears streamed down her cheeks. She didn’t shout, neither did she create a scene, she just stood there, crying silently in pain. She was too tried to cry and display her grief. So, all she could do was to cry silently as she bid her daughter a final goodbye. As she turned around to take her leave after bidding her daughter goodbye, she felt her legs too heavy for her to carry. She couldn’t bear the pain of leaving her daughter all alone in the underground, without her being by her side. Ivory had always being scared of being alone and Ellie wondered how she would be able to cope with being alone, all by herself.
As she took each step heading towards home, her heart was heavy and filled with guilt. The guilt of leaving her daughter all alone. Heading to the car, she promised her daughter silently. She promised to be with her as soon as possible. Sitting in the car, she looked outside the window, with the air brushing across her face. Her mind was filled with a whirlwind of memories, from the first moment she held her in her arms to the last moment she bided her goodbye. Each moment stabbed her heart with unendurable sorrow. She broke down in tears, which caught Kevin’s attention but he didn’t stop her from crying. He allowed her to cry her heart out, to relieve her of her grief and sorrow.
Upon getting home and entering their apartment which had been renovated, every corner of the apartment reminded Ellie of the life that once lived there; the life she gave birth to. The silence that filled the space where her daughter’s laughter used to echo was deafening, an emptiness that nothing could fill. She questioned every choice she made and every action she took, feeling guilty and useless and wondering whether there was anything at all she could have done to stop the unfathomable loss. She headed to her daughter’s room, with Kevin trailing behind her. She looked around and all the memories they had shared together in that room, came rushing to her. She remembered her laughter and the way she ran around while she struggled to get a hold of her, just so she could take her bathe.
She collapsed on the floor, upon remembering those memories. Her breath seemed to be an effort to resist the overpowering wave of sorrow since the weight of her anguish was so great. She felt as if her entire life has been taken from her, as her body was feeble and devoid of vitality. There was no getting away from sleep; memories and dreams blended together to make sleep elusive and transient. Nothing could fill the emptiness that existed in her heart; the future appeared hopeless and pointless without her daughter. She clanged to mementos and memories, but they brought comfort and new tears in equal measure. The pain was intense, deep, and raw; it might never heal, but it would become a part of her, changing her life forever.
She continued living her life, wallowing in pains. She stopped going to work and wouldn’t step out of the house; her daughter’s room in particular. She became a shadow of herself and lost all essence to live. She didn’t grief about losing her unborn child, all she grieved about was losing her daughter, in whom she had found courage and got motivated to continue living at the darkest moments of her life. With her gone, she wondered if she could actually live without her.
These went on for days, weeks and then months. When Kevin realized she wouldn’t pull herself out of her misfortune and guilt, he decided to take action. He didn’t try to stop her from grieving just because he cared about her, but because he was tried of looking after a grown-up woman like her. He sold the apartment without informing her and got a new apartment for them. On the day he had planned for them to move to their new apartment, he came back early from work but Ellie never bothered to ask him the reason for that, as she hadn’t uttered a word to him since the death of Ivory. She had been silently blaming him for her death. “If he hadn’t left her all alone to herself, she wouldn’t have died,” Ellie kept on thinking in her head, distancing herself from Kevin.
“Be gentle with the TV, do not allow it to break,” Ellie, who was in Ivory’s room heard Kevin instructing someone and she wondered who it could be. Out of curiosity, she decided to step out of the room to check out what was going on outside there and alas, she saw the courier personnel, moving out their belongings which had been packed in boxes. She just stood by the door watching, with Kevin and the courier personnel oblivious of her presence.
“As for these toys, you can trash them. We won’t be needing them anymore,” Kevin said, instructing the men. This got to Ellie’s hearing and which made her break her silence.
“And why would they move Ivory’s toys?” Ellie asked, walking up to Kevin and the men. The men who were not aware that someone else was inside the house apart from Kevin, halted in their actions. Upon seeing her, Kevin rolled his eyes.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.
“Because we do not have a need for them anymore. You can carry on with those,” Kevin said, urging the men to carry on.
“Don’t you dare touch them!!! Who gave you the right to dispose them?” Ellie yelled, pointing at Ivory’s toys and looking at the men with a daring look on her face, one which was that of a warning.
“Can you please excuse us for a minute?” Kevin said at the men, when he realized Ellie was ready to create a scene. The men concurred and waited outside.
“What exactly is your problem? Why do you always find it difficult to let go of the past? Why are you failing to realize that she is gone and wouldn’t be coming back?” Kevin yelled at Ellie in frustration.
“What is my problem? After you killed my daughter?” Ellie yelled with anguish and pain evident in her eyes and voice.
“What? Killed your daughter? Why are you doing as if you are the only one that lost a child? I also did!!!! I lost two children on the same day!!!! And it wasn’t my fault she died. I got an impromptu call from the office that day. I wanted to take her along with me but decided not to as she was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her sleep. Get a grip and move on!!!!!” Kevin yelled in frustration at Ellie.
“Move on? You got an impromptu call from work? You lost two children? No, you only lost one as you have never considered Ivory to be yours. If you had, you wouldn’t have locked her indoors and left her in the house all alone, just because you wanted to meet with your mistress!!!!!!” Ellie yelled in pain, with Kevin shocked at Ellie’s revelation.
What do you think actually happened on the day Ivory died?