Predilection

EVA–

I dozed in and out of the drug high I was swimming in. The nurses had held me down and injected me into bliss last night, as usual, I’d woke up screaming and crying over the nightmares that consumed my head once the night fell. I didn’t mind the dreams, they consisted of my long lost Master, although it was painful and terrifying I wanted them, I anticipated them every night. I dug my nails into my thighs, making sure I could still feel, I didn’t like the numbness, I wanted the pain, the pain brought me closer to my master. He’d imprinted his memories into my brain, with every thought, came in a new wave of images of him. I didn’t cry anymore, my tears had long dried out. He wouldn’t want me to cry, he’d want me to stay strong as I lay here floating in the left overs of the drug.

The door unlocked and in came someone I was definitely not looking forward to see, my breath caught in my throat as my eyes scanned over the man who stood a few inches away from me. His eyes splintering my skin. James. The man I’d been ripped away from, the man I was with before all of this shit came crashing down on me. I watched him in horror, I didn’t expect to see him anytime soon, I didn’t want him here. ‘Eva’ he spoke out, his voice shallow, holding a painful edge to it. I could see the concern flickering behind his hazel orbs as he studied my broken figure. Without another word his arms gripped my body, he held me tight against him, his heart beating a million feelings. I cringed in his arms, I didn’t want to be touched, I didn’t want to be held unless the arms that held me belonged to my master. I shifted away from him. He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, he couldn’t understand why I was being so distant, why I wasn’t happy to see him after all this time. Clearing his throat he hit me with information that I didn’t want. ‘I spoke to the hospital and I managed to convince them to discharge you, I took full responsibility to take care of your mental condition. I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit you sooner, I only found out about you last week, ever since then I’ve been running around trying to find out what had happened, they wouldn’t allow me to see you until today.’ My heart pounded in my chest, I wasn’t ready to go back home, that place wasn’t home to me anymore. I wasn’t prepared for this, I couldn’t face the real world just yet. I shook my head, my mind foggy with racing thoughts. ‘I thought you’d be happy to be out of here.’ His voice held a disappointment that I didn’t care about, I wasn’t here to please him. ‘I promise once you’re back at your house, things will start to get better for you.’ He took a seat on the bed, I pulled my feet back, not wanting any physical touch between us. We sat there in silence, he watched me intently as I watched him. His light brown hair tousled, a chiselled jaw, full lips and a tall muscular body. He was no where near as tall and muscular as my master. He was no where near as intimidating, I couldn’t help but to compare him with the only man I wanted to be sitting in front of me right now.

‘Get ready Eva, you’re going home.’ A small smile slipped over his features. He didn’t know that my definition of ‘home’ had changed by a large amount. I didn’t belong to my old life anymore, for I had become someone else, a pet. A slave to my master. A knock on the door broke the intense tension between us, my eyes looked over to the man who stood at the door in a police uniform. Why were they bothering me again? They’d lost hope in me the first three weeks that I’d gave them nothing but silence.

My world spun as I stared at the picture in the officers hand, it was a picture of Kaleb. I wanted to snatch it out of his fingers, to hold it against my heart until I drowned in him. My mind wasn’t functioning, they had him as a suspect and were looking for him but how and why? I never spoke a word about him. I didn’t get to hear much of what the officer was explaining to me, I was too drawn into the picture that I was gazing at. He asked me if I recognised the man in the picture, I had become immobile before I could answer, it had been so long since I last saw his face, this just made the hurt in my chest grow, whatever was left of my heart, shattering into pieces. Eventually, I pulled myself out of the deep end and looked the officer in the eyes. ‘No, I’ve never seen him before.’ My voice came out strong, it surprised me, I didn’t want to hand him over to the police, I had to lie, I would do it for him. Something told me the officer didn’t believe me as his eyes raked over every little detail of my reaction. After a long silent moment, he nodded his head and told me he’d return to me if he had new information. I let out the breath that I’d buried in my throat, tears burning my eyes. I wanted to scream, to yell. I felt nauseous as I sat there with my head in my hands, I didn’t know how much more I could take before I completely went insane.

The car journey was silent, I was thankful for it. I didn’t need a curious James interrogating me. My eyes studied the house that I once lived in. It no longer belonged to me. It no longer felt like home as I stood there breathing in the unfamiliar scent of what used to be me. James followed me quietly, he watched my every move as I traced my fingertips across the furnitures that invaded the space of the living room. I didn’t like the feel of it against my skin. I pulled my hand away, turning around to face James. He held a worried expression on his face, he looked at me like I was a pitiful thing to look at. Maybe I was. ‘I’m going to go to my room’ he nodded as I made my way upstairs, my heart pounding as I got closer to the room where this all began. My hands trembled against the doorknob, I twisted it and stepped inside my torture. Instant images of the night Kaleb kidnapped me hit me like a blade. Tears freely found their freedom, running down my face as I traced my fingers over the bed that once belonged to me. The very bed that I was captured in. I inhaled the smell of the room, hoping if I inhaled enough I’d be able to smell Kaleb. I was breaking and I couldn’t stop it. I had no hope left, he’d left me. He was never coming back. I screamed out into the silence, panic awaiting its turn to torture me. I fell to my feet and cried out. I didn’t realise when James walked in, I didn’t even realise he was holding me, trying to calm me down. I cried my guts out, I cried because I knew that I’d never see my master again, my Kaleb.Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.