Love for the Librarian

A few more weeks pass and the guys return home to get ready for the upcoming semester. I have been busy trying to find a nanny for Grace. I am almost able to pay my own way, with the investment advice from Katelyn, we are building quite a bit of a fund.

Alex finds me in the gym where I am on the treadmill. “We’re back.” He hollers out to me, with a big smile on his face.

I stopped the machine. “Hey, how was it?” I returned his smile.Upstodatee from Novel(D)ra/m/a.O(r)g

He sighs and loses his smile. “The town was great. I tried to get along with your baby daddy, but we did not hit it off.” He is shaking his head a little.

My smile turns to a smirk. “Yeah, I heard. He told me you hit him.”

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Clearly he is not a fan of Dylan’s “God, he can’t even man up about it. He had to whine to you.” Alex folds his arms over his chest. He is waiting for a lecture from me that he is sure will follow this statement.

I return my smile. He needs a little comfort right now. Not that I am happy he punched Dylan, I just want to keep Alex as a good friend. “I told him he had no right to talk to you like that. I told him that I am focusing on me and that he needed to do the same. If later I decide to be with whomever that is my business.” I step off the machine and head to Alex. He is still in a guarded position. “I am glad you’re back. I missed having you around.” I give him a hug that he greedily returns.

For the first time he notices my appearance. My shortened hair. The tighter clothes then there is the fact that he found me in the gym in the first place. His eyes sweep over my whole body. I can’t say that he doesn’t like what he sees. “What happened while I was gone? What brought all this on?” He waves his hand over my body, like this is the explanation of what he’s asking. Like I wouldn’t know.

I shrug, “I decided that I needed to be healthier for Grace. She needs a mom that will be around. Plus Katelyn wanted to give me a makeover. This time it turned out that I liked it. It made me feel better. I feel better about myself. I like it.” I look down at my body, maybe Alex doesn’t like it. God why am I so self conscious.

He pulls me into a hug. “You know that you don’t need to change yourself right? You were beautiful before.” He rests his head on mine. I like this. It makes me feel safe. However, it is not the same as Dylan. I shouldn’t be comparing the two, but it happens from time to time. Sadly Dylan always wins. I am not moving on today.

I pull back so I can look Alex in the eyes. I need to convey this. “I know that you thought so, but I didn’t. I thought I was plain. I don’t feel that way any more. It is more than that though. I have someone that I have to take care of myself for. I need to be better for Grace. I need to be the woman that picks herself up off the couch when I need to.” I look back on it now and I was just sitting on the couch. I was letting the stress and depression get the better of me. I feel so much freer now that I have put things into perspective.

He rubs small circles on my back. “I know. I just don’t want you to feel bad. You don’t deserve to feel that way.” When Alex gets all serious it usually makes me feel a little small. But today I feel strong, because I am being me. I care about what I think and not what Alex and Dylan think.

“Thank you. Anyway.” I pull away from him. It is time to talk with a little less affection. I do not want to continue to give Alex the impression that I am picking him. Especially since I do not know where everything stands with Dylan. Deep in my heart I still love him. I don’t want him to move on. I want to be the one by his side. It is now time to discuss what I need him for. Business. “I have hired a nanny. She will be starting tomorrow. She will be watching Grace while I am in school. Tomorrow it will be a short time, while I get my books and make sure my schedule is what I need. Can you be here, so that way I can make sure that you all know her.”

He smiles at me. Of course Alex knows that I am changing the topic of conversation. “Yeah sure. I am going to unpack and rest. The plane trip was exhausting. I will spend some time with Grace this evening. It is good to be back.” He gives me that smile that lets me know that he is thinking about me. I really did meet him at the wrong time. He will make someone a great husband one day. I just don’t see that being me. Dylan has worked his way into my heart and he isn’t going anywhere.

“I am glad you’re home, Alex.” I give him a friendly smile. As much as Alex is my friend I do not want to give him the impression that I pick him. I think he knows it. That is what the fight was with Dylan, it was the fact that he was pissed that Dylan has what he can’t.

“I know who can resist my face for long.” He shoots me a cocky grin as he leaves the gym. I watch as he retreats. Why couldn’t things have been less complicated? Alex should never have been in this triangle. He is a good guy and he deserves better than this in between thing that we have. Hopefully I can convince him soon that he needs to move on. I know when Grace was born he said that he would, but it still seems like he is hanging on to something. I can’t let him do that anymore.