Killer (The Satan Sniper's Motorcycle Club book 5)

Chapter 30 (Sienna)

“Men are needy,” Beggar informs me, shrugging her shoulders. I love her long black hair. She looks

almost identical to Frost. The two could be sisters. It’s uncanny.

“You don’t seem to mind,” I reply as I sit on the couch and drop my strapless top.

She lifts her hand up showing me her ring finger, “I’m his wife, I don’t get a pass there.” She laughs at

her own joke and I smile, because she is correct. When you marry someone you marry their quirks.

“Are you glad to be home?” I ask her. She got home 3 weeks back, but I only saw her for the first time

last week.

“Yup, my kid has gone so big, she’s almost a whole new child. And I keep telling Zero he needs to stop

feeding her that growing milk, but men never listen.”

“Well, they do when it’s football,” I wink as I grimace when Kaleb sucks harder than usual.

“You should use that numbing cream, else you are going to have no nipples left by the time he is ready

for a cup.”

“Thanks for looking after him, I hope it wasn’t an issue?”

“Of course, I don’t like parties, so if you ever need a babysitter and I’m around, I’ll happily be one. Plus,

Talin loved being the big one for a change. I didn’t mention Joe was older, because that would just piss

her off,” Beggar says with a smile.

“I haven’t had the chance to meet her as yet,” And that was partially my fault.

Killer and Frost offered a few times, but I refused since it required me leaving Kaleb behind. Natasha

was not talking to me after the bike ride with Killer, and I didn’t know how to talk to her.

I knew he had feelings for Natasha. Caring for her might be the way he described it, but they were

there. And she clearly felt the same way, even if she never mentioned it.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but my feelings didn’t really matter in this case. We hugged, and we

danced but come tomorrow the two of them would leave together and I don’t know what to say about

that. Her father agreed that Natasha going home was a good idea until lockdown lifted. And Killer

mentioned leaving, but he said nothing about coming back.

“Earth to Sin, I lost you over there,” Beggar says, and I see my boy has stopped sucking, so I slip my

bra and dress into place and look at her as I put him on my shoulder and rub his back.

Her eyes are so black and right now seeing way more than I want to share.

“You know, sometimes the eyes aren’t meant for seeing the obvious. Killer wouldn’t have left his club,

with no sleep in two days to go for a ride telling no one where he’s going. SO whatever you are

thinking, I suggest you take a step out of your mind for a few moments and see things from another

person’s perspective.”

“What difference is that going to make?” I get up but Beggar’s words stop me, “I once thought I was

incapable of loving a man, until I learned to love the parts of myself I spent so many years hating, then

loving Zero was as simple as breathing. Killer might be unwilling to love, but you are capable of loving Upstodatee from Novel(D)ra/m/a.O(r)g

him enough for the both of you, and that man that got on that bike knows that, and it scares the fuck

out of him.”

I leave her and take Kaleb upstairs for his morning bath. I’m just finishing up when I hear the rumble of

his bike.

I settle Kaleb on the bed, lying and kicking, and I don’t hide myself as I go to the window and watch

Killer get off his bike, and place his helmet on the seat. He is such a sight that if heaven ever sent a

fallen angel to earth, it would have to be Kevin Stone.

Frost gets off her bike and leans against her ride, taking her helmet off as River does the same.

They are both staring at him, and it happens so fast. One moment he is calm and then next he kicks his

bike until it falls and topples over the other bikes. He carries on delivering his anger on the machine.

I watch as my heart spikes to overdrive, my stomach drops as the bikers around him walk closer, but

not one of them stop him.

His hair swings as his entire body moves with the force of his kick. I have seen Killer ruffled the night

he shoved me in a car and told me to leave. But this is unfamiliar territory for me and for once I don’t

want to step into the fire.

I hear heavy breathing and I turn around, realizing it’s me.

My body spins again, and I look out the window, but he is gone. Zero and River, along with the others,

are picking up the bikes, including his dented one.

My mind reels. There is a part of me wanting to go downstairs and find him, but the other part, the part

that holds me hostage, knows that Kevin Stone was never meant to be mine.

The door opens, I turn around and there he is, standing there.

When I first met Kevin Stone, I always pictured him growing up wearing a suit. When he joined the

army, I pictured him wearing army pants, and now as an adult, I am looking at him, and I need not

picture who the boy would become as a man, because I can already see it.

And what a man he is.

I never wanted to admit to the wrongs of my past. So, I spent years running away from demons that

were never really mine.

I convinced myself, if I avoided the problem, he’d seize to exist, but here he is staring at me, holding

me to a standstill by just his presence, and for once I don’t want to run but I have to.

I never wanted Kevin Stone to want me, never needed him to see me, and I told myself he didn’t.

My feelings for him were always meant to be from a far. Gabriel used to say, that sometimes the stars

aligned in ways we were never meant to understand. Human nature just found it easier to enjoy, if it

made sense.

But if we looked closer we couldn’t understand it, no matter how many years people dedicated to it,

because some things in life were just meant to be not understood.

I would like to think my feelings for Kevin are just that, not understood. Because how do I love a man

that will never feel for me? How is it I breathe deeper in his presence, when for the last 10 years he

hasn’t even acknowledged my existence? Until now.

And even though he is standing by the door, looking at me as if I am the object of his affection, my

silence is screaming at him to see me.

“I can’t love you, Kevin,” I tell him, because why waste his time, why torture myself more.

“Why not? Am I so bad, I can't be loved, because I am pretty sure you love me Sienna,” He says it as if

he has always known it and I bet he has.

“The day I love you, you are going to leave me.” My momma left, the Frankfurts too, and I am pretty

sure the lady who gave birth to me and dropped me at the orphanage left.

“But I will come back, this is who I AM!” He walks closer to me and I step back until my back hits the

window.

“I know Kevin, and you know that this is who I am. You said it yourself, 10 years ago, I am not the one

you wanted then, and definitely not the one you want now,” My eyes well up, at the memory of that

awful day, “I spent most of my life running, pretending, moving. And then I saw you, I was only 8, you

have been looking through me my whole life, and now you just barely starting to see me but I tell you

Kevin if you dig hard and deep enough you will be disappointed in how ordinary I am. I am not

Natasha. I have never been her.”

“I know that,” He walks closer and is wise to keep his hands to himself.

“So tell me, I love you with all my heart and she walks through that door right now and tells you she

loves you and wants you, you will choose me. You tell me that I will give you my heart. You already own

every other piece of me.” I look at him and his eyes say it all.

Kevin will never love me, he isn't capable of that. Because of that very reason, his feelings for Natasha

will always come first. How do I blame a soldier who has given his entire life for our country for not

loving me, when he can't even love himself?

“Natasha is the only one for you, Kevin. You helped me and Kaleb and for that I will always be grateful,

but your need to protect me is not enough.”

“You don't know what the fuck you are talking about, Sienna. I have been yours since you and your

sister knocked on my door 20 years ago.”

“Then be hers for 20 more.” I walk away from Killer, and my heart bleeds, but life taught me hard

lessons. And one of those, was Kevin Stone was never meant to belong to me.

I leave him alone with Kaleb, knowing my boy would be fine and I head downstairs and out the back

door, straight to the hilltop.