Forbidden Desire

I should have known that just as the sea recedes before a tsunami, the happiness and peace we’ve had in the past few days were a prelude to what was to come. I had to be strong and watch the man I love rush to rescue the woman who always did everything to get rid of him. I had to watch the car that would take me to the contest drive me further and further away from Jason, and even though we weren’t really separating, that’s how I felt. He promised me he would make it in time for the contest, but even though part of me was praying he wouldn’t disappoint me, the other rational part of me knew that a problem of the magnitude he described wouldn’t be easily resolved.

The car moved through the streets of Seoul, and soon a torrential rain hit us. I watched the raindrops trickle down the window, and tears streamed down my face. It seemed like all I did since I met Jason… Cry while my heart was broken for the thousandth time. He said he chose me and that he loved me, but that was just in theory; in practice, he didn’t hesitate to choose her, which made me wonder how many more times this would happen. Would it always be like this? Would there always be a part of Jason that would run to her at the first opportunity, even after everything she did to him? No matter how hard I try, I think I’ll never be able to replace the place Jinhee holds in Jason’s heart, and no matter how much he says he loves me, the moment he chose to leave me alone to go after her, I knew it was a lie.

Yesterday, I was so happy in my bubble of naivety that part of me truly believed for a few brief hours that I could be so happy. But reality always comes knocking on my door, and when it does, I’m the only one who always gets beaten up. My heart was so broken that I didn’t even feel a flutter in my stomach when I arrived at the auditorium where the contest was being held and saw that it was already crowded. How could I paint any picture if when Jason went after Jinhee, he seemed to take all the colors of the world with him? Now it felt like my world was gray, and despite hearing the excited honking of cars trying to find a gap to pull up in front of the venue, I seemed to hear everything from afar, as if my senses were dulled or as if I were underwater just watching everything as a mere spectator of my own life. I snapped out of my trance when the driver got out of the car and soon opened the door for me, reaching out his hand for me to take. I looked at the friendly face offering me his hand, but for a few seconds, I just stared, wondering if it wouldn’t be better to give up and simply go home.

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Some photographers started taking pictures of me outside, and I took a deep breath as I searched for strength within me to face this contest, knowing that without a model, I would be disqualified.

“I hope he doesn’t disappoint me…”

I said as a plea to the wind, as if I hoped he might come. I got out of the car and forced a weak smile for the photographers who were there. After posing for a few photos, I went to the receptionist who led me through a side door where I found the teacher in charge of the project, as well as the other participants who were with their models. Seeing me, the teacher seemed confused and came towards me looking concerned.

“Jane? What’s wrong? Why do you have that look, dear? Are you nervous?”

I hadn’t realized how visibly sad I was, and I tried to disguise it with a smile. She looked around and then asked me.

“And where’s your model?”

I tried to say something, but my voice failed me, and a tear rolled down my face.

“What’s wrong, Jane? Isn’t he coming?”

I took a deep breath and forced myself to give an explanation, even though my only desire was to run away from here without looking back and give up on this dream that seemed increasingly distant.

“There was a problem, and he had to go fix it, but he promised he’d be here in time.”

She looked at me and took a deep breath as if feeling my pain.

“They always promise, dear… But don’t expect to be saved by a knight in shining armor because they don’t exist… You know that if he doesn’t arrive on time, you’ll be automatically disqualified, right?”

I just nodded, and she put her hand on my shoulder in a gesture of sympathy.

“I’m sorry for this, Jane… I was looking forward to seeing your performance in a contest like this. Actually, I’ve been rooting for you from the beginning.”

I looked at her, and seeing that she was sincere, I felt a glimmer of hope.

“Really? So, couldn’t I use some other model? My driver, for example?”

She shook her head, looking as disappointed as I was.

“No… I’m sorry, Jane, but it’s part of the contest rules; it has to be someone you have a strong connection with… That’s why the theme of the night is ‘Emotions.’ Besides, we’ve gone over the contest rules many times.”

I nodded, and then I heard applause as the voice of the college Director echoed in the auditorium next to the room where we were. He gave a brief speech thanking everyone for their presence, and even though I couldn’t see it, just from the applause, I could tell that the auditorium was full. The teacher began to go over the contest rules, and all the participants wore nervous smiles on their faces as they held hands with their loved ones; I just watched feeling more alone than ever. We were interrupted when one of the event organizers called my name.

“Oliveira? There’s someone here to see you.”

My heart filled with hope, and a smile spread across my face. I couldn’t believe it. Jason had made it in time. When the person who wanted to see me entered, the first thing I saw was a bouquet of sunflowers mixed with daisies, and my smile widened; when I looked at the person’s face, it was covered by a small mask that covered their nose and mouth while a cap hid their beautiful hair. But I would recognize those eyes even in a crowd, and I knew it was Jihoon. Although I was disappointed to see that it wasn’t Jason, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his eyes gleaming as he looked at me. He approached, and we seemed like two magnets; before I knew it, I was walking towards him and clinging to his neck as if the world was ending and his embrace was the only safe place. He embraced me, and for a few seconds, I just stood there breathing in his cologne that always calmed me down, feeling him tighten his arms around me more and more, making me feel like I wasn’t alone as I had thought seconds before.

“Hey… Are you okay?”

He asked, still with his face buried in my neck while his hand caressed my hair protectively. I just nodded, unable to muster the courage to verbalize the fact that Jason had disappointed me once again. When I realized, some tears were streaming down and wetting the fabric of the black coat he was wearing. When he noticed, he pulled away our faces a little, without letting go of me, and seemed to understand everything without me needing to say anything. He looked around as if searching for something and took a deep breath, seeming tired as he said.

“He’s not coming, huh?”

I just shook my head, and he ran his thumb over my face, wiping away my tears.

“Jinhee called him, and…”

“He rushed off…”

I just lowered my head, and he looked around, seeming annoyed.

“But he’s really not coming?”

“He said he’s coming, but I don’t know if I believe him anymore… I think I should give up…”

He looked at me and pulled me to a corner, standing with his back to the other people; he lowered the mask, revealing his handsome face only to me, and took my chin in his hand, looking at me firmly.

“Listen, you’re going to win this contest with or without him, okay? I’m not going to let you give up. You haven’t been working this hard to give up now. You came from another country chasing your dream. You’re strong, capable, and a wonderful artist! Nothing will stop you from winning this contest, okay?”

I looked at him, and it was impossible not to give a disbelieving laugh.

“I’ve already lost, Ji… It’s in the contest rules that I had to bring someone I have feelings for to pose for me… Without that, I’ll be disqualified.”

“Jane, you haven’t lost yet… He could still show up… Anything could happen… You’re going up on that stage! I won’t let you give up. If you don’t believe in yourself… I do!”

I hadn’t realized we were so close until I felt his thumb gently caress my lips while he seemed entranced by them. My whole body shivered under his gaze, and despite knowing he was just a friend motivating me, I felt my heart beating so hard it seemed like it would burst out of my chest at any moment. For a moment, I seemed to forget everything, and when his eyes met mine again, he leaned in, leaving me completely paralyzed; he brought our foreheads together, leaving my mouth dry for a few moments.

“Please go up on stage… For me?”