Always Been You

Katherine looked away from his cold stare. Despite her best efforts, she was trembling, and she hoped like hell that he couldn’t see it.

It wasn’t a total shock to her, of course. She had somehow known that it was going to come to this. Especially when she had told him she couldn’t be with him because she didn’t know if she could trust him.

“I have been thinking a lot,” Jensen continued. “And I think that I deserve better… From you. Damn it, I call and text and you ignore me. I might have screwed up really badly in the past and God knows I’m sorry about that and if I could I’d change it but I have done everything… Everything since you got back just to prove how much I want you but somehow I keep getting no as an answer. Something just keeps getting in the way and… ”

“The last time YOU got in the way… You are the one who said no” Katherine snapped at him. “But you are really good at that, aren’t you? You keep coming but the moment I’m ready you say no and then blame it on me”

Jensen looked shocked. “Am I really getting blamed right now for not taking advantage of you when you were grieving?”

“I offered myself to you” Katherine said, even if she knew she sounded really dumb and had no reasonable ground for her argument. “If I thought you were taking advantage, I wouldn’t have offered”

“What?” Jensen said. He shook his head. “You know you should be thanking me for… You know what this is the problem I have with you. We can’t seem to have a conversation without getting into an argument or hurting each other. And you know what, I’m done with this fuckery, Kat. You want me to leave you alone, I will”

“Fine. Do whatever you want” Katherine said, but her voice shook. They were locked in a staring match, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to look away. Even as she felt her eyes get misty.

He stared at her. “You OK?” he asked softly.

Dammit, he had noticed. And he was coming across the room towards her.

Katherine had to get out of there, and fast, before he started feeling sorry for her. She didn’t think she could bear that. She didn’t want his pity.

“I’m fine. Let me get dressed,” she said, speaking without breathing, knowing that if she sucked in a gulp of air the sobs that were rising in her throat would choke her.

“Kat” the way he called her name was almost her undoing.

“Just give me a minute,” she said and, opening the door into her bedroom, she closed it firmly behind her.

But once she was alone, she couldn’t prevent the storm of emotion that engulfed her. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks and, with her nose running too, she groped her way across the room to the bathroom. Grabbing a handful of tissues from the box she kept there, she endeavored to staunch the salty flow, sinking down onto the toilet seat and burying her face in her hands. She couldn’t blame him for being fed up with her and wanting to leave. Her trust issues were what caused all this mess in the first place.

“Kat… ” she heard his voice call.

She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there when he spoke. Dear God! Her head jerked up in disbelief. Jensen was standing in the bathroom doorway watching her and she knew she’d never felt so humiliated in her life.

“Get out!” she choked, struggling to get to her feet. “How-how dare you come in here? You have no right to invade my privacy like this.” she said.

Jensen merely sighed and propped his shoulder against the frame of the door. Then he regarded her with disturbing gentleness. “I dare because I care about you,” he said, his voice thickening with emotion. “Fuck, Kat. How was I to know you’d react like this? I’d have thought you’d be glad to get me out of your life. You seem to be pushing me away most of the time”

Katherine sniffed. “I am glad,” she said stupidly.

“It looks like it.” Jensen said sarcastically.

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Jensen. I’ve just returned from a busy week and I’m exhausted.” she said. It was an effort but she managed a tight smile. “It was a shock… Somehow. I don’t deny it. But I’m not crying because I’m-heartbroken. Far from it.”

Jensen didn’t look convinced. “So-what?” he said. “Do you usually break down like this when you get back from a trip? Is that what you’re saying?”From NôvelDrama.Org.

“Don’t be even more of a jerk than you have to be,” Katherine retorted, struggling to regain a little of her composure. “OK. What do you want me to say, Jensen?

That I’m-crushed? Desolated?” She managed a harsh laugh. “Don’t hold your breath.”

Despite himself, Jensen was angered by her words. He’d come to find her with the best of intentions, he told himself, and now here she was, tearing his good will to shreds. That was so like Katherine: shooting first and regretting it later.

Only something told him that this time she wasn’t about to back down.

He straightened. “You’re an ungrateful bitch, do you know that?” he snapped, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“Thanks for letting me know” she retorted, scrubbing her cheeks with the tissues one last time before flushing them down the lavatory.

“Well, perhaps you ought to curb your tongue,” he muttered.

Katherine’s lips parted. “Go away, Jensen” she exclaimed scornfully. “Just get out of here. I want to get dressed.”

Jensen stared at her. For all her air of bravado, he was fairly sure she wasn’t half as confident as she was trying to appear. Those incredible dark eyes still shimmered with unshed tears, and her mouth-the mouth he’d kissed so many times-couldn’t quite hide its tremor.

And, although her words had irritated him beyond all reason, he found himself saying softly, “Is that really what you want, Kat? Do you really want to end this permanently.. Whatever this is?”